I prayed for a cure, I used to kneel with a bright outlook on life.
This brain of mine tortures me with scenarios unlike any others
Where I lay sprawled across a church floor with my sight blackening
As hoards upon hoards of women lurk through the stained glass.
Grabbing at my limbs and tearing at my pale and sickened flesh.
Blood running down there chins from the cute corners of their mouths.

My intestines now a rope to drag me closer to them.
Why couldn't they go for the heart or brain first?

I want my brain to melt faster than it would watching television. This way I can stain your shirt while I lay my head on your comforting shoulder. Welcome to the fantastic ruining of a not-so brilliant mind. The deterioration of a young adult from the inside out.

I don't talk about events or what I plan on doing much on this blog. I mostly write poems or post lyrics I wrote. Well right now I feel like I should write. This past week has been really hard on me. My Aunt and Uncle came up to visit and help around the house. They brought their six poodles along with them. These dogs are generally just yappers. They yelp and bark with one movement and that's the end of it. Sunday night my cat was in my room, hiding because he was frightened. I accidently left the door open and he got bold. He strolled out to the kitchen for a drink and was immediately chased back to my room and out my window by these poodles. He jumped straight out my window during a thunderstorm and I haven't seen him since. Chai (my cat) is my best friend. He helped me cope with my Father's death and my Mother's illness. When I fell into deep depression this fall/winter he was there for me to comfort and cuddle. I have a better connection with this cat than I do with 98.9 % of the people I know or have met. I walked around for hours looking for him and there has been no sign. I talked to neighbors and one said he saw a cat lingering his yard watching my house. This gave me a slight sense of hope. I also put food out for the past two nights and it wasn't eaten till daylight which implies he/or some other cat is coming around to eat. I am afraid that someone took him into their household or he might be hurt in some way. I know this must sound lame to you, but I've cried a bit almost every night because he hasn't been around.

My Mother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer Six years ago during Christmas time. She has fought and fought and fought this fucking disease with everything she has. The cancer went into remission three years ago according to my mothers Doctor. However, the cancer ended up spreading through out her chest, stomach and brain. This far in, she decided the treatment would kill her faster than the actual cancer could. She has been bed ridden for days now and her medication has made her very drowsy. Her speech has been slurred and she moves alot slower. I don't know if it's the cancer or the medication taking its toll on her brain, but it scares me. My Mother, who gave birth to me and raised me to become a strong person is now lying upstairs in a pain I can never imagine. She is burdened by a cancer and feels guilty she can't provide for us anymore. Every time I speak with her I can see this sadness overwhelm in her eyes. For twenty-three years my Mother fed me and showed me all the support and love she could. Early this morning I woke up to my other Aunt screaming. My mother had a gastrointestinal bleed. We cleaned up and held my Mother in my arms kissing her forehead. The one human being who was always there for me through thick and thin was in my arms, frail and weak. It then hit me, my Mother is going to pass away. No matter how much I wish, or how many times a Christian can pray nothing can stray from what is to come. My Mom, the reason my heart beats, is getting worse with every day. I will lose her and I have to realize it is inevitable. We truly don't know how long we will have with her, but I do know that every fucking minute will mean the world to me and her.

What is it to you if I pick myself up from the ground?
The only comfort I can rely on anymore is this floor.
Every day, every night I float over my limp body.
Watching for movement in my limbs or chest.
What is it to you if I won't take medication?
I may just like the chemical imbalance in my brain
The black hole eating away at my stomach.
I won't dare compromise my emotions for you.

I like this cold concrete
I like the mood swings
I like overbearing abnominal pains.

Finding comfort in depression.

Alive, A Life, All Lies

I'm going to let every single lie bury themselves underneath my skin. I'm going to let them fuck and reproduce in my muscles. I'm going to let them grow together in the comfort of my veins. I'm going let them realize they can't love one another any more in my bones. I'm going to let all these lies die alone and pass their misfortune on to the others in my heart.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't have any other choice than to watch the inevitable. Good night.

The heart is but a muscle.

Never learning the beauty of a breeze
We will struggle to grasp happiness
With hopes and wishes...
All I can stand now is pure fucking darkness
No sun, No sun, No sun

Candles that burn the brightest
are failing to light my way
We are all blind to "his" white light.
My eyes burn and melt like wax