I prayed for a cure, I used to kneel with a bright outlook on life.
This brain of mine tortures me with scenarios unlike any others
Where I lay sprawled across a church floor with my sight blackening
As hoards upon hoards of women lurk through the stained glass.
Grabbing at my limbs and tearing at my pale and sickened flesh.
Blood running down there chins from the cute corners of their mouths.

My intestines now a rope to drag me closer to them.
Why couldn't they go for the heart or brain first?

I want my brain to melt faster than it would watching television. This way I can stain your shirt while I lay my head on your comforting shoulder. Welcome to the fantastic ruining of a not-so brilliant mind. The deterioration of a young adult from the inside out.

I don't talk about events or what I plan on doing much on this blog. I mostly write poems or post lyrics I wrote. Well right now I feel like I should write. This past week has been really hard on me. My Aunt and Uncle came up to visit and help around the house. They brought their six poodles along with them. These dogs are generally just yappers. They yelp and bark with one movement and that's the end of it. Sunday night my cat was in my room, hiding because he was frightened. I accidently left the door open and he got bold. He strolled out to the kitchen for a drink and was immediately chased back to my room and out my window by these poodles. He jumped straight out my window during a thunderstorm and I haven't seen him since. Chai (my cat) is my best friend. He helped me cope with my Father's death and my Mother's illness. When I fell into deep depression this fall/winter he was there for me to comfort and cuddle. I have a better connection with this cat than I do with 98.9 % of the people I know or have met. I walked around for hours looking for him and there has been no sign. I talked to neighbors and one said he saw a cat lingering his yard watching my house. This gave me a slight sense of hope. I also put food out for the past two nights and it wasn't eaten till daylight which implies he/or some other cat is coming around to eat. I am afraid that someone took him into their household or he might be hurt in some way. I know this must sound lame to you, but I've cried a bit almost every night because he hasn't been around.

My Mother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer Six years ago during Christmas time. She has fought and fought and fought this fucking disease with everything she has. The cancer went into remission three years ago according to my mothers Doctor. However, the cancer ended up spreading through out her chest, stomach and brain. This far in, she decided the treatment would kill her faster than the actual cancer could. She has been bed ridden for days now and her medication has made her very drowsy. Her speech has been slurred and she moves alot slower. I don't know if it's the cancer or the medication taking its toll on her brain, but it scares me. My Mother, who gave birth to me and raised me to become a strong person is now lying upstairs in a pain I can never imagine. She is burdened by a cancer and feels guilty she can't provide for us anymore. Every time I speak with her I can see this sadness overwhelm in her eyes. For twenty-three years my Mother fed me and showed me all the support and love she could. Early this morning I woke up to my other Aunt screaming. My mother had a gastrointestinal bleed. We cleaned up and held my Mother in my arms kissing her forehead. The one human being who was always there for me through thick and thin was in my arms, frail and weak. It then hit me, my Mother is going to pass away. No matter how much I wish, or how many times a Christian can pray nothing can stray from what is to come. My Mom, the reason my heart beats, is getting worse with every day. I will lose her and I have to realize it is inevitable. We truly don't know how long we will have with her, but I do know that every fucking minute will mean the world to me and her.

What is it to you if I pick myself up from the ground?
The only comfort I can rely on anymore is this floor.
Every day, every night I float over my limp body.
Watching for movement in my limbs or chest.
What is it to you if I won't take medication?
I may just like the chemical imbalance in my brain
The black hole eating away at my stomach.
I won't dare compromise my emotions for you.

I like this cold concrete
I like the mood swings
I like overbearing abnominal pains.

Finding comfort in depression.

Alive, A Life, All Lies

I'm going to let every single lie bury themselves underneath my skin. I'm going to let them fuck and reproduce in my muscles. I'm going to let them grow together in the comfort of my veins. I'm going let them realize they can't love one another any more in my bones. I'm going to let all these lies die alone and pass their misfortune on to the others in my heart.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't have any other choice than to watch the inevitable. Good night.

The heart is but a muscle.

Never learning the beauty of a breeze
We will struggle to grasp happiness
With hopes and wishes...
All I can stand now is pure fucking darkness
No sun, No sun, No sun

Candles that burn the brightest
are failing to light my way
We are all blind to "his" white light.
My eyes burn and melt like wax

Fourteen hours of snow with no shovel to dig yourself out
Now my body is as cold as my slow pace heart.
What's the point of fighting your way to the surface
when your always going to be rock bottom.
Life down here is oh so gray in every area and every nook.
Tis the Season, to be false and alone.

"Listen to your heart, friend." Is what I was told.
Now I'm still picking the pieces of glass out of my chest cavity
The glass from the same drinks we shared
Entangled together, our legs one long tail like a fox
Well, to hell with this fox, he's rabies infested
Drool and foam from the mouth I used to kiss.

Slow and steady wins the race.
But what the fuck are we racing for?
A degree in who can get alcohol poison first,
or is it a major in how many girls we can roofie tonight?
We can go throw around the proverbial pigskin
and circle jerk over the captain of the football,
I mean cheerleading squad!
I'll hide all my feelings with a poster of Megan Fox,
because I can't bare to tell my parents that I'm a "lost soul"
Bro, I'm not gay. But everytime we shower together
and those towels come off, something cums over me.

Seasonal Depression, Fall Winter Spring Summer

"Nights like these could be better spent
than spilling my seed to internet women
Like leaning on energy drinks to keep awake
Drinking to much, to much red bull(shit)
Sulking over girls with boyfriends
and writing emotion(less) rants"

East Shit.

It's been a full year since my Dad passed away. It still really hurts to know he isn't in Brooklyn. But it's almost a relief to know he doesn't struggle anymore. I just wish I was there for him when he died. He was so alone...

Where are my friends?
Dylan is in Brooklyn finishing his last year at Pratt.
Bryce has been living in Florida for almost half a year.
Josh moved to Philly a few months back.
Louis has been living in Denver for a few years now.
Bobby just got locked up for three months.
Dan moved out west to California.
Michelle moved into a lonely apartment in Bethlehem.
Dave and Rickey are probably moving to NYC in the spring.

At least I still have Billy, Jesse, and Sara G to hang out with me. But how long will that last?
Almost all my friends are gone. Maybe I should be gone too?

My dear,

It burns. It burns. It burns every time we cross paths. Even a day a week feels to much sometimes, and yet it's always to little of time between us. I feel haunted by the months passed. You successfully fucked my outlook all together. I won't look at another one the same. I won't even give anyone different the time of day. You were the only one for me. I let myself go these days. I let my beard grow out and the rings under my eyes grow darker. For the mere fact that I was hiding this face from you. Hiding my true emotions, that you so positively masked. It's time we break this never ending chain that has plagued me. I can no longer drown my sorrows. Good day to you, darling. Stiff upper lip.

The one you dragged down, Mark.

P.S - You're liquor marks my stomach, just like your glass cuts my lips. Miss Whiskey, you've done more than enough for me.

A pretty pen with a vibrant blue ink made for the cleanest, blank page. Dancing words across each extended line from side to side. With the most beautiful of vocabulary, these words explain two characters. One, a fine gentleman with a false affirmation that can woo almost any doll. Our second character is a gorgeous young lady as gullible and green as they come. A story of "love" for the girl, and just another notch on the bed post for the boy. A foreshadowing of reoccurring events. Lessons are never properly learned and sly tricks will continually be pulled.
This pretty blue pen's ink is wasted on crumbled up love letters torn out of tear soaked notebooks. Honey, just bust the pen open and let the ink stain your clothing. Just like he left that miserable moment in your memory and that stain on your sheets. Drop your thesaurus and stop trying to find a thousand ways to say "Heartbreak."

Bitter Prose

A lack of appetite, a lack of sleep, and this body of mine becomes empty. Moving in and out of consciousness. My face wrinkles and my mouth stays dry. My chest feels tight as if breathing wasn't hard enough. Laying face down on a carpet littered with shredded up poetry. I unplugged the wires that connect from my brain to my heart. From my heart to my dick. Am I even wired like every other guy? For a split second I thought you had called me. A retrospective of winter and spring nights passed. I've heard misery loves company. To bad company is like a hot knife in my throat. Ring tones that don't ring, coffee eyes that taste all to bitter. What? Does a cat have your tongue? Or are the holes in your chest finally filled? The holes you temporary filled with my emotions. I won't compare myself to a heartbroken dove, because I'm no birdbrain.

I only use this blog

when I get depressed haha. And hey would you look at that, after a few good months of living in positivity and bliss, I'm dragged back into reality. Thank you for another wake up call... Thanks.

Here's a bunch of bullshit lyrics I wrote for my band Blood Oranges.

"Threadhead"

Disorder of the nerves, I'm not laughing anymore
Life seems like a run on joke from a washed out comedian
with to much time on his hands and not enough material
Walking up and down a path tread frequently
This whole nice guys finish last crap is true
Holding up to the classic "let's call it quits" all to soon

What a perfect match, what a perfect match
Get out your thread and needle, Let's start
What a perfect match, what a perfect match
I'm falling to pieces, face first into shit

"Hang Me Up Like A String Of Lights"

Like a lifeless body hanging from rope
What more does someone like me need?
My neck yearned for some constriction
I may of overdid it when my bones snapped
It was so hard to keep up with everything
Letting every struggle consume me
one mistake I've made after another
Keep piling the dirt on top of my tomb
Because even after death I can't escape
I love being buried... being buried in your trash

I'm all fucking talk
I don't need this sympathy

"Thumbtacks"

Is this what it feels like to fear the mornings?
To never sleep a wink with my nerves so shot
Where do my problems end and my luck begins?
Fighting and banter between my mind and heart
What logic is left when you have gone nowhere
Only to beat at a wall that won't collapse
I promised I won't leave you behind like the others
With my tired eyes, will I ever sleep again?

I'm doomed to a fate of bitter outcomes
Stomping on unholy grounds, puking on innocence
I'm swallowing tacks and my throat bleeds
like the organ that stopped beating in sync with yours

Pray that you don't see this man
Pray that you won't see this fool
I've bared enough, I've bared enough

My ulcer is beating me down.

I can't wait to die so alone

Hole in stomach,
bile spills over my organs.
Well I'll be damned.