Bar ramblings

I was at the bar last night, while everyone was drinking and such I decided to write on a napkin. This is what I rambled about.

"The smell of stale beer and Cajun fries fill the air, while I sit around and write across a bar napkin. My friends converse freely and wild topics dance off their tongues. I stare blankly at the table, the shadows darken with every move of my pen. Music shoots out the jukebox speakers, new genre after genre. The diversity of the bar is relevant when walking to our "regular" booth. Dirty looks with each casual sip, or so I like to believe. It could just be the slight paranoia I've tend to come in cope with. Well, however you see it, I take it with a grain of salt. Salt that only irritates the small cuts and scrapes, wounds self inflicted because of foolish dirty looks."

I want to get my license, buy a car, and drive off a bridge.
Nose dive through the sky, waiting for impact.

"The smoke in this bar coats my worn out throat
I've been screaming so long with no repercussions
My eyes are to heavy and the lighting will play tricks on us
What once was my tender heart, is now iron and steel
I've come to a wall blocking my path and obstructing the view
I won't go around, and stare, I'll beat at the concrete till it falls
Bloody fists, broken bones, this wall must fall..."


"Ghosts in the graveyard,
drinking tea with the others,
but they can't see me."

Two poems I wrote today. Drinking tea, contemplating pulling out my bicycle and riding to Stroudsburg. What else is there to do today? I much rather just adventure.

Our machines are broke,
The rust plays across metals;
Soft water dances.

The young whales swim out
through the dark lonesome ocean;
they will kiss softly.

Wishing I could sleep.
Falling into a coma,
and awake in June.

Like fish caught in nets
we will never get away;
waiting to be gut.

Your eyes are blinded
with rage and some aggression-
my balled up hatred!

Ill willed humans!
I made this bed to lay in,
and the heat will rise.

I've been writing haiku's one and off today. I decided everyday or whenever I have the chance I will write a haiku and post it.

No one deserves...

"No one deserves to go through the pain of loss.
No one deserves a period of time of never seeing each other.
No one deserves to live so harshly alone in a house filled with relatives.
No one deserves a family that won't care.
No one deserves to be left in the dark.
No one deserves a lack of insight and doubt.
No one deserves to sit through years of not knowing how everything is.
No one deserves a 14 hour plane ride to only see death and dispair.
No one deserves to not say one last goodbye and "I love you".
No one deserves a damned thing like that.
No one deserves to...
No one deserves a..."

- Sean Jude Elsasser

Feel better.

Tea Leaf

"Tea Leaf"

"The tea kettle's whistling in an ambient harmony
My cup is empty on the counter awaiting the tea
To be fed from the spoat down into my ceramic mug
With a picture of snow falling that my Father gave me
I used to take it three teaspoons and a dash of milk
Now all I can do is drink it alone, bland and bitter
The sun plays in the steam creating fog on my lenses
Taking my sip, burning my tongue, never wanting to be the quitter

My miserable demeanor is dragging my friends along
And all I can do is write another depressing song
I can't decided whether I'm begging for the attention
None of my self inflicted problems are worth the mention..."

Sean Jude Elsasser

As of lately, I've been really down and out. I was hoping 2009 would bring in a much more positive prespective for me, but I feel like I've been only getting worse. I feel as if my negativity is really taken a toll on everyone. Not only is it killing me slowly, but I think it's really hurting my friendship with everyone I know. I'm not fun to be around, I sit alone, looking depressed, in a group of friends just trying to have a good time. My friends still invite me to hang out, but I show up and it's just awkward. I can't get into the flow of happiness, I can only crack a smile and crawl back into my emotionless hole I dug for myself. If I wasn't so afraid of loneliness I would just become a hermit and fight these demons on my own.

Small problems effect me now, the lightest of punches feel like a sledgehammer beating at my ribs. This depression is like acid eating away at my organs. I can't eat without wanting to puke, I can't smile without wanting to follow it up without laying down and forgetting it all. I used to have it in me to be the bigger man, I could walk miles and not pay any mind to people. Now every corner, every step there's someone there and I feel like it's Me against the World. I'm so fucking paranoid that everyone is talking bad on me, or that I'm the laughing stock in the town. I've been walking down Main Street looking into bars and wanting someone to say something to me, just so I could punch him with all I have and let him pound my face into the concrete. Am I just looking for a thrill? For something so new to me? I drink massive amounts of tea, coffee and energy drinks to just keep my eyes open. Why do I want to keep them open when all I see is the bad? I wish I could drop off into a coma for months, wake up to a new life.

Why am I every girls best friend? Why do I make the shitty decisions? I get what I deserve. Like I've mentioned last time, it's karma. Why did my Dad leave this existence broken hearted? Why didn't I do something to show him that I still was his son? Why can't I express my emotions in lyrics anymore? Am I so jaded that it's all mundane? Am I so alone with so many friends?

My friends are moving on with their lives. I'm here... complaining on the internet. You tell me something new, and I'll give you something old. Whether it's the charm for a girl who will give up on me, or it's my tiresome excuses of never moving on..

Never again.

Broken Hearts Beat Just Fine?

I wake up every morning and I try to understand why things don't tend to work out as well as I would want them to. I only realize how harsh people and events can be. I went to Brooklyn over the weekend. I went to visit my good friend Dylan and his lovely new girlfriend Scarlett. Bryce had convinced me to tag along last minute so I packed a flannel and deoderant. That's all I wish I had to my name sometimes. Well we voyaged into the city and ended up at Scarlett's apartment by pratt. We wandered the subways and the streets of Brooklyn and Manhatten most of the weekend. It was somewhat a tempary vacation from my oh so stressful life. A release of what I can't control here in PA. Sunday we visited my Dad's plot. He still doesn't have a tombstone to his name, but I paid my respects. We barely made our way into the graveyard because of a prick bastard who was trying to lock the gate. We first pleaded with him to let us in, then threatened. We of course pushed our way in and I did what needed to be done. The man who worked there had been so frustrated from us he must of decided it was right to lock us inside the Queens cemetary. We found our way out, and Bryce and I ended up coming home. The minute I stepped out of that car onto my driveway I was hit again with reality.

I stumbled into my room to read my final wake up call in a message over myspace. Everything I figured was the case in my head had been said. My heart aches, and my brain is working overtime. I knew she would not feel the same as me, a specially after all this time of never making any real moves. She got over me. I guess I deserve it. I put her through this when she liked me, it's kind of like karma. I'm finally taking it in now. Maybe I do this to myself, because I enjoy the pain. I like being upset which just causes me to build anger. Almost like fuel of hatred to keep on the go. I'll be just always be the nice guy in the end, the friend you come to tell all your troubles, the shoulder to cry on. You'll come to me for advice and I'll try my best to help, but deep down I won't know what to do around you. Deep down I'll still feel the same. I'll always be your friend to keep you smiling and happy because I am a sucker like the rest. There really is nothing I can do to convince her to fall for me, and in the end I am right where I started. A lonely, "heartbroken" dumb fuck, feeling awkward and shoegazing during conversation. I don't know anymore... Karma is a bitch.

Put on some Minor Threat, let out the aggression I have towards myself. This year might be no better than last.