I wish myself a merry christmas...

To hell with the rest. I've been filled with such negativity and anger these past few months, my attitude might finally be catching myself an emotional beating. I've felt so torn and broken that this is just slowing me down more. If you've ever met a bigger freeloading scumbag please introduce me, I can give the sucker a run for his/her money.

It's 1:30 PM Saturday afternoon, I can guarantee with my lack of care and laziness that I won't post this till at least 6 tonight, most likely later than that. I'll lose interest, turn my music up loud and pussyfoot around. I'll realize how idle it's been just sitting here and I'll post. It's an on and off thing with me. One minute I'm typing out all these shitty emotions and the next I lock them all back up and get this build in my stomach. As if I'll puke out all of my troubles and pleasures in one gag, but I can't because It's just not ready to travel from the gut through my body, spewing out my pitiful mouth.

I complain and make a fuss about the world. About people and their mistakes. However, I am just like them, no difference. I'm no better and I'm no worse. I complain for no reason. I'm bitter and negative, because of what though? Because, My Dad died? Because, I can't get a girlfriend? Because, I can't stop myself from being a total loser? Because, I simply can't get up and get out of this, sad sad procrastinating life, rut? I shouldn't beat myself up over nothing, though I'll insist on creating some sort of trouble with it all. It's like going to a street corner in Brooklyn and slinging racial slurs everywhere, awaiting my confrontation. Clearly, we all know the simple answer to these problems. Hell even I know the answers to my negativity. Will I change my views? Not right now, maybe in the future when things do start to look up.

I need something new, I need something different.

I think I'll start looking into leaving this rut. This little town of depression I seem to reside in. Possibly even look into getting out and hitting real life right in the kisser with a closed fist. If you read this and don't understand, well you're not meant to understand. No one is, except myself. Even I don't get why I continue to type...

Christmas is next week, I wish myself a Merry Christmas again...

20 Degree Weather, Stuffy nose

Quite the interesting turn in recent events. Usually, my days consist of sitting around, drinking tea excessively, and occasionally drawing. However, yesterday and last night was a hell of a change. A change I definitely needed as of late.

It started out with me making my way down to the eye doctors by Target for an eye exam. I was there till about 2 PM and decided that I would just go walk to Stroudsburg since going home would be no fun. I made it to Main Street finally and ran into Josh for a few minutes. He went M.I.A. (as expected from a dumbfuck) and I went on my merry way of wandering the burg till I happened to see someone. I had made plans with Dalila the evening earlier, so I was killing time till she met up with me. I ended up running into the infamous PRS with his lovely wife. We walked over to McDonald's where I helped myself to their fries. Then PRS had to do some yard work, some wild leaf blowing. I raked with him to get it done faster then we ran into Dalila, Jess, and Amanda. We indulged in some Main St. Jukebox warmth, then proceeded to wander through out main in the cold weather. PRS and Jamie(wife) decided to end their stroll and drove home. We went to Starbucks where I saw Michelle for a few minutes. Pleasant surprises like that is what make my adventures better off than laying face first on my bed. We indulged in some overly expensive coffee, sat outside on main street for a few hours, ate at Goombas (Pizza wasn't as good as I hoped it was going to be), went to Dunkin' Donuts and Wawa, and then ended up back on Main searching for warmth. We tried all the churchs for sanctuary, but it's quite sad that they now have to lock their doors to the public. We found ourselves in Sherman Theater, huddling for warmth in their lobby waiting for Alex (Dalila's friend) to come out and rescue us. Alex offered us rides home, which was a big load off of my shoulders, considering I never think that far ahead and I wasn't ready to treck off into the cold from Stroudsburg to Tobyhanna.

I finally got home around 11:30 and turned on the computer. I did my usual schedule at these hours and put on Jawbreaker, sat down with a blanket wrapped around me with a nice cup of tea. The hours flew past and it was already 3 AM. I curled in a ball and passed out. The phone rings, my mom screams my name, I look at the clock. It's 4:08 in the morning. I pick up the house phone and hear Steveo's drunken banter about me having to come over and kill zombies. Ofcourse, being the most logical of my friends I got dressed and wandered off into the 14 degree weather to their house a few blocks away. I got there around 4:15 to find Steveo, Oscar, Jesse, Bill, Buchman and Cliff setting up beer cans and shooting them with airsoft rifles. I made some chocolate milk, joined in on the fun and started shooting. I got a perfect game, and shot all the targets. Steveo claimed I have dead set aim, which made me feel almost good about myself if shit ever went down with the undead (yes I am crazy). Bryce showed up as well, so things became more and more jolly as the sun rose. We started playing a game of "silent ball" which got rather out of hand and turning into playing baseball in the living room. We moved it outside because poor Rayna was sleeping and had to be up for work in a few hours. So at 7:30 we were outside playing baseball. My team, which consisted of Billy and Bryce, won. The clock slowed down, I drank tea that I had stored in my wallet and we all went our seperate ways. I finally got home at 9 AM and decided it was best to get some rest. I awoke at 4 PM and now I'm sitting here, waiting on a friend to call with some plans for the evening. My throat is dry and my nose is stuffy, the price to pay for a night of wild gatherings.

That concludes my long, and probably boring story.

Dear Three AM

Why am I always awake at such ungodly hours. I sit here almost all day, complaining about something or another without any idea as to what hour it is. I have such a horrible sleep schedule. One night I'll go to sleep at Midnight and wake up 9, then the next I won't fall asleep till 6 and wake up at 4 in the afternoon. There's also the nights I just sleep for two hours and press myself to go rest only to fail and be deprived of such luxuries of a long sleep. I need to put together some kind of "LIFE". Along the lines of a job maybe... actually no I take that back, that's just ridiculous, me and a job, HA. What I do need is a wake up call. I'm running out of things to truely complain about. Well no I'm not, but I'm not going to write on about girls or money. That's silly rants that I'm not quite up for.

I found lyrics that were going to be used for a song Jerk Reaction wrote, but we ended up scrapping it when we were recording. I'll post them up considering they relate to my odd sleeping arrangements.

Perkins Coffee Tastes Like Shit, But We Drink It Anyway

"Hands shaking, your senses are not there
Fading away like you just had your last stand
You tumble down two flights of stairs
Your bones won't shatter, neither does your willpower
My gum's are still bleeding from biting the bullet
Gasping for air with exaggerated words
Caffeine Withdrawal, I can't feel my limbs
Caffeine Withdrawal, My eyes won't focus

Everything you touch Will Fall Apart

It's like watching your heart decay
Every movement strains a muscle
Sounding out each dumb mistake
My brain rots writing these songs
Trapped in these regretful days
I beg for this all to end soon

I don't Know, I don't know
How to go about this
I don't know, I don't know
Hands shaking, your senses are not there
Fading away like you just had your last stand
You tumble down two flights of stairs
Your bones won't shatter, neither does your willpower"

Looking back on these lyrics (even though they are only four or five months old) I definitely improved on my writing.

First Post

Well, I might as well post something right now, considering I did just create this thing. This site is mostly an excuse for me to ramble and rant on and on about shit that either means nothing to me, or actually happens first hand. I also made this so I had somewhere to post some shitty lyrics and poetry I've been writing. So to start this off I'll post a rant I wrote a few weeks ago when I was sitting on main street. I was stranded in Stroudsburg, sitting outside of starbucks with no money. I proceeded to write about what was going on around me when I was kicked out for loitering the starbucks. I wandered for a bit, visited an aqqaintance, and then hitch hiked home.

"I traveled to this newly established coffee shop in town, which funny as it sounds is not so new to most. This place that wastes talent and eats up your caffeine addictions. Pouring sugars, assorted flavors, and your choice of dairy down your throat. The warmth of the sun has set, bringing in this bitter chill. A dim light beams down on this pen and paper making the shadows dance with each stroke of a letter. The cars play a different tune, blending together their engines and radios. A constant movement of vehicles is almost like a personal lullaby dragging my words across a line waiting for the ink to dry. Fellow men walk hand and hand with their significant others. All looking down on me for taking up the least amount of space that could be better suited for paying customers. Most with more than a change filled pocket and stoic emotion on brow. Some youth embrace this franchise with open arms. While others curse this soul collecting, money hungry abomination. All I do is wait, killing time till I spot a friendly face, or until some sucker gives me five dollars for one of these damned fancy coffees."

Well that's all I have right now. More to come in the future.