Fourteen hours of snow with no shovel to dig yourself out
Now my body is as cold as my slow pace heart.
What's the point of fighting your way to the surface
when your always going to be rock bottom.
Life down here is oh so gray in every area and every nook.
Tis the Season, to be false and alone.

"Listen to your heart, friend." Is what I was told.
Now I'm still picking the pieces of glass out of my chest cavity
The glass from the same drinks we shared
Entangled together, our legs one long tail like a fox
Well, to hell with this fox, he's rabies infested
Drool and foam from the mouth I used to kiss.

Slow and steady wins the race.
But what the fuck are we racing for?
A degree in who can get alcohol poison first,
or is it a major in how many girls we can roofie tonight?
We can go throw around the proverbial pigskin
and circle jerk over the captain of the football,
I mean cheerleading squad!
I'll hide all my feelings with a poster of Megan Fox,
because I can't bare to tell my parents that I'm a "lost soul"
Bro, I'm not gay. But everytime we shower together
and those towels come off, something cums over me.

Seasonal Depression, Fall Winter Spring Summer

"Nights like these could be better spent
than spilling my seed to internet women
Like leaning on energy drinks to keep awake
Drinking to much, to much red bull(shit)
Sulking over girls with boyfriends
and writing emotion(less) rants"

East Shit.

It's been a full year since my Dad passed away. It still really hurts to know he isn't in Brooklyn. But it's almost a relief to know he doesn't struggle anymore. I just wish I was there for him when he died. He was so alone...

Where are my friends?
Dylan is in Brooklyn finishing his last year at Pratt.
Bryce has been living in Florida for almost half a year.
Josh moved to Philly a few months back.
Louis has been living in Denver for a few years now.
Bobby just got locked up for three months.
Dan moved out west to California.
Michelle moved into a lonely apartment in Bethlehem.
Dave and Rickey are probably moving to NYC in the spring.

At least I still have Billy, Jesse, and Sara G to hang out with me. But how long will that last?
Almost all my friends are gone. Maybe I should be gone too?

My dear,

It burns. It burns. It burns every time we cross paths. Even a day a week feels to much sometimes, and yet it's always to little of time between us. I feel haunted by the months passed. You successfully fucked my outlook all together. I won't look at another one the same. I won't even give anyone different the time of day. You were the only one for me. I let myself go these days. I let my beard grow out and the rings under my eyes grow darker. For the mere fact that I was hiding this face from you. Hiding my true emotions, that you so positively masked. It's time we break this never ending chain that has plagued me. I can no longer drown my sorrows. Good day to you, darling. Stiff upper lip.

The one you dragged down, Mark.

P.S - You're liquor marks my stomach, just like your glass cuts my lips. Miss Whiskey, you've done more than enough for me.

A pretty pen with a vibrant blue ink made for the cleanest, blank page. Dancing words across each extended line from side to side. With the most beautiful of vocabulary, these words explain two characters. One, a fine gentleman with a false affirmation that can woo almost any doll. Our second character is a gorgeous young lady as gullible and green as they come. A story of "love" for the girl, and just another notch on the bed post for the boy. A foreshadowing of reoccurring events. Lessons are never properly learned and sly tricks will continually be pulled.
This pretty blue pen's ink is wasted on crumbled up love letters torn out of tear soaked notebooks. Honey, just bust the pen open and let the ink stain your clothing. Just like he left that miserable moment in your memory and that stain on your sheets. Drop your thesaurus and stop trying to find a thousand ways to say "Heartbreak."

Bitter Prose

A lack of appetite, a lack of sleep, and this body of mine becomes empty. Moving in and out of consciousness. My face wrinkles and my mouth stays dry. My chest feels tight as if breathing wasn't hard enough. Laying face down on a carpet littered with shredded up poetry. I unplugged the wires that connect from my brain to my heart. From my heart to my dick. Am I even wired like every other guy? For a split second I thought you had called me. A retrospective of winter and spring nights passed. I've heard misery loves company. To bad company is like a hot knife in my throat. Ring tones that don't ring, coffee eyes that taste all to bitter. What? Does a cat have your tongue? Or are the holes in your chest finally filled? The holes you temporary filled with my emotions. I won't compare myself to a heartbroken dove, because I'm no birdbrain.

I only use this blog

when I get depressed haha. And hey would you look at that, after a few good months of living in positivity and bliss, I'm dragged back into reality. Thank you for another wake up call... Thanks.

Here's a bunch of bullshit lyrics I wrote for my band Blood Oranges.

"Threadhead"

Disorder of the nerves, I'm not laughing anymore
Life seems like a run on joke from a washed out comedian
with to much time on his hands and not enough material
Walking up and down a path tread frequently
This whole nice guys finish last crap is true
Holding up to the classic "let's call it quits" all to soon

What a perfect match, what a perfect match
Get out your thread and needle, Let's start
What a perfect match, what a perfect match
I'm falling to pieces, face first into shit

"Hang Me Up Like A String Of Lights"

Like a lifeless body hanging from rope
What more does someone like me need?
My neck yearned for some constriction
I may of overdid it when my bones snapped
It was so hard to keep up with everything
Letting every struggle consume me
one mistake I've made after another
Keep piling the dirt on top of my tomb
Because even after death I can't escape
I love being buried... being buried in your trash

I'm all fucking talk
I don't need this sympathy

"Thumbtacks"

Is this what it feels like to fear the mornings?
To never sleep a wink with my nerves so shot
Where do my problems end and my luck begins?
Fighting and banter between my mind and heart
What logic is left when you have gone nowhere
Only to beat at a wall that won't collapse
I promised I won't leave you behind like the others
With my tired eyes, will I ever sleep again?

I'm doomed to a fate of bitter outcomes
Stomping on unholy grounds, puking on innocence
I'm swallowing tacks and my throat bleeds
like the organ that stopped beating in sync with yours

Pray that you don't see this man
Pray that you won't see this fool
I've bared enough, I've bared enough

My ulcer is beating me down.

I can't wait to die so alone

Hole in stomach,
bile spills over my organs.
Well I'll be damned.

Even when I'm in a room full of "friends", I'm still very alone in this forsaken world.

Shoegazing in an awkward moment between two people. 

Why the fuck did they make "shoegazing" a genre? 

I fear sleep, because you might be in my dreams again. The dream where we hang around so close, but it burns to touch and it freezes to speak to you. The grass feels so soft like a bed till I lay down. Then it feels like blades shredding at my ghostly skin. Your eyes glow so bright with love, but I can't look into them anymore. Your eyes glow for other reasons, and not for me. They won't glow for me.

Jabber Jaw

I float alone on a poorly built raft, miles from safety. The moonlight beamed off the waters, making it very clear to me that I was encircled by underwater predators. Panicking would do nothing now. I was doomed to be their snack. It started slow, they didn't attack until I made to swift of movement to reach for my only weapon. Which happened to be a piece of shit stick, sharpened with a rock. Being clumsy I knocked the stick into the water and reached in, only to feel a tight grip of sharp teeth around my forearm. I fought to bring my arm back to the surface, however with brute strength I was pulled into the deep dark ocean. Water ran up my nostrils and my eyes opened to see three sharks swimming swiftly around me, one with my arm in it's mouth. I began swinging and kicking off at the creatures with a slight hope of survival. I felt sharp pains reach me from my left leg. Another had got a hold of me. I was going to be torn to pieces, their feast, food to play with till they got bored of me and consumed my body. The third shark swam with grace to the center. It was such an enchanting creature, so majestic and beautiful. It's jaw opened wide and bit into my torso and chest. It's teeth sank into my flesh, through my rip cage. In sheer pain I screamed letting the water fill my lungs. I choked and choked. The sharks aren't what killed me, it was the water. I drowned there as I was ripped to shreds. My blood blinded me from the sharks, the last vision I had was a dark red shading my eyes. The moon kept shining, the wind kept blowing. The blood filtered through the ocean, mixing with the minerals and sea salt. And the last thought I managed to have, "The water sure did look friendly tonight for boating..."

"One hour, One day, One week, I seek a solution
Letting the problems clutter and build up on you.
This isn't a school yard crush
Not another high school tease
Pounding at my skull and bones
Lay down and admit defeat."

"The bile in my stomach is leaking through out my body
My lungs are deflating, my chest is in fucking pieces.
I'm still struggling to see those beautiful eyes
I'm trying to hold back from finally cracking
Under the pressure of what's right and wrong
Whether karma exists and if this really is all my fault.
I've been setting myself up for a disastrous time
all for that pleasant smile I promised you."

"Lay me on traintracks
it is inevitable
shredding my body."

Poetry, 2 AM, tough night.

Bar ramblings

I was at the bar last night, while everyone was drinking and such I decided to write on a napkin. This is what I rambled about.

"The smell of stale beer and Cajun fries fill the air, while I sit around and write across a bar napkin. My friends converse freely and wild topics dance off their tongues. I stare blankly at the table, the shadows darken with every move of my pen. Music shoots out the jukebox speakers, new genre after genre. The diversity of the bar is relevant when walking to our "regular" booth. Dirty looks with each casual sip, or so I like to believe. It could just be the slight paranoia I've tend to come in cope with. Well, however you see it, I take it with a grain of salt. Salt that only irritates the small cuts and scrapes, wounds self inflicted because of foolish dirty looks."

I want to get my license, buy a car, and drive off a bridge.
Nose dive through the sky, waiting for impact.

"The smoke in this bar coats my worn out throat
I've been screaming so long with no repercussions
My eyes are to heavy and the lighting will play tricks on us
What once was my tender heart, is now iron and steel
I've come to a wall blocking my path and obstructing the view
I won't go around, and stare, I'll beat at the concrete till it falls
Bloody fists, broken bones, this wall must fall..."


"Ghosts in the graveyard,
drinking tea with the others,
but they can't see me."

Two poems I wrote today. Drinking tea, contemplating pulling out my bicycle and riding to Stroudsburg. What else is there to do today? I much rather just adventure.

Our machines are broke,
The rust plays across metals;
Soft water dances.

The young whales swim out
through the dark lonesome ocean;
they will kiss softly.

Wishing I could sleep.
Falling into a coma,
and awake in June.

Like fish caught in nets
we will never get away;
waiting to be gut.

Your eyes are blinded
with rage and some aggression-
my balled up hatred!

Ill willed humans!
I made this bed to lay in,
and the heat will rise.

I've been writing haiku's one and off today. I decided everyday or whenever I have the chance I will write a haiku and post it.

No one deserves...

"No one deserves to go through the pain of loss.
No one deserves a period of time of never seeing each other.
No one deserves to live so harshly alone in a house filled with relatives.
No one deserves a family that won't care.
No one deserves to be left in the dark.
No one deserves a lack of insight and doubt.
No one deserves to sit through years of not knowing how everything is.
No one deserves a 14 hour plane ride to only see death and dispair.
No one deserves to not say one last goodbye and "I love you".
No one deserves a damned thing like that.
No one deserves to...
No one deserves a..."

- Sean Jude Elsasser

Feel better.

Tea Leaf

"Tea Leaf"

"The tea kettle's whistling in an ambient harmony
My cup is empty on the counter awaiting the tea
To be fed from the spoat down into my ceramic mug
With a picture of snow falling that my Father gave me
I used to take it three teaspoons and a dash of milk
Now all I can do is drink it alone, bland and bitter
The sun plays in the steam creating fog on my lenses
Taking my sip, burning my tongue, never wanting to be the quitter

My miserable demeanor is dragging my friends along
And all I can do is write another depressing song
I can't decided whether I'm begging for the attention
None of my self inflicted problems are worth the mention..."

Sean Jude Elsasser

As of lately, I've been really down and out. I was hoping 2009 would bring in a much more positive prespective for me, but I feel like I've been only getting worse. I feel as if my negativity is really taken a toll on everyone. Not only is it killing me slowly, but I think it's really hurting my friendship with everyone I know. I'm not fun to be around, I sit alone, looking depressed, in a group of friends just trying to have a good time. My friends still invite me to hang out, but I show up and it's just awkward. I can't get into the flow of happiness, I can only crack a smile and crawl back into my emotionless hole I dug for myself. If I wasn't so afraid of loneliness I would just become a hermit and fight these demons on my own.

Small problems effect me now, the lightest of punches feel like a sledgehammer beating at my ribs. This depression is like acid eating away at my organs. I can't eat without wanting to puke, I can't smile without wanting to follow it up without laying down and forgetting it all. I used to have it in me to be the bigger man, I could walk miles and not pay any mind to people. Now every corner, every step there's someone there and I feel like it's Me against the World. I'm so fucking paranoid that everyone is talking bad on me, or that I'm the laughing stock in the town. I've been walking down Main Street looking into bars and wanting someone to say something to me, just so I could punch him with all I have and let him pound my face into the concrete. Am I just looking for a thrill? For something so new to me? I drink massive amounts of tea, coffee and energy drinks to just keep my eyes open. Why do I want to keep them open when all I see is the bad? I wish I could drop off into a coma for months, wake up to a new life.

Why am I every girls best friend? Why do I make the shitty decisions? I get what I deserve. Like I've mentioned last time, it's karma. Why did my Dad leave this existence broken hearted? Why didn't I do something to show him that I still was his son? Why can't I express my emotions in lyrics anymore? Am I so jaded that it's all mundane? Am I so alone with so many friends?

My friends are moving on with their lives. I'm here... complaining on the internet. You tell me something new, and I'll give you something old. Whether it's the charm for a girl who will give up on me, or it's my tiresome excuses of never moving on..

Never again.

Broken Hearts Beat Just Fine?

I wake up every morning and I try to understand why things don't tend to work out as well as I would want them to. I only realize how harsh people and events can be. I went to Brooklyn over the weekend. I went to visit my good friend Dylan and his lovely new girlfriend Scarlett. Bryce had convinced me to tag along last minute so I packed a flannel and deoderant. That's all I wish I had to my name sometimes. Well we voyaged into the city and ended up at Scarlett's apartment by pratt. We wandered the subways and the streets of Brooklyn and Manhatten most of the weekend. It was somewhat a tempary vacation from my oh so stressful life. A release of what I can't control here in PA. Sunday we visited my Dad's plot. He still doesn't have a tombstone to his name, but I paid my respects. We barely made our way into the graveyard because of a prick bastard who was trying to lock the gate. We first pleaded with him to let us in, then threatened. We of course pushed our way in and I did what needed to be done. The man who worked there had been so frustrated from us he must of decided it was right to lock us inside the Queens cemetary. We found our way out, and Bryce and I ended up coming home. The minute I stepped out of that car onto my driveway I was hit again with reality.

I stumbled into my room to read my final wake up call in a message over myspace. Everything I figured was the case in my head had been said. My heart aches, and my brain is working overtime. I knew she would not feel the same as me, a specially after all this time of never making any real moves. She got over me. I guess I deserve it. I put her through this when she liked me, it's kind of like karma. I'm finally taking it in now. Maybe I do this to myself, because I enjoy the pain. I like being upset which just causes me to build anger. Almost like fuel of hatred to keep on the go. I'll be just always be the nice guy in the end, the friend you come to tell all your troubles, the shoulder to cry on. You'll come to me for advice and I'll try my best to help, but deep down I won't know what to do around you. Deep down I'll still feel the same. I'll always be your friend to keep you smiling and happy because I am a sucker like the rest. There really is nothing I can do to convince her to fall for me, and in the end I am right where I started. A lonely, "heartbroken" dumb fuck, feeling awkward and shoegazing during conversation. I don't know anymore... Karma is a bitch.

Put on some Minor Threat, let out the aggression I have towards myself. This year might be no better than last.