I fear sleep, because you might be in my dreams again. The dream where we hang around so close, but it burns to touch and it freezes to speak to you. The grass feels so soft like a bed till I lay down. Then it feels like blades shredding at my ghostly skin. Your eyes glow so bright with love, but I can't look into them anymore. Your eyes glow for other reasons, and not for me. They won't glow for me.

Jabber Jaw

I float alone on a poorly built raft, miles from safety. The moonlight beamed off the waters, making it very clear to me that I was encircled by underwater predators. Panicking would do nothing now. I was doomed to be their snack. It started slow, they didn't attack until I made to swift of movement to reach for my only weapon. Which happened to be a piece of shit stick, sharpened with a rock. Being clumsy I knocked the stick into the water and reached in, only to feel a tight grip of sharp teeth around my forearm. I fought to bring my arm back to the surface, however with brute strength I was pulled into the deep dark ocean. Water ran up my nostrils and my eyes opened to see three sharks swimming swiftly around me, one with my arm in it's mouth. I began swinging and kicking off at the creatures with a slight hope of survival. I felt sharp pains reach me from my left leg. Another had got a hold of me. I was going to be torn to pieces, their feast, food to play with till they got bored of me and consumed my body. The third shark swam with grace to the center. It was such an enchanting creature, so majestic and beautiful. It's jaw opened wide and bit into my torso and chest. It's teeth sank into my flesh, through my rip cage. In sheer pain I screamed letting the water fill my lungs. I choked and choked. The sharks aren't what killed me, it was the water. I drowned there as I was ripped to shreds. My blood blinded me from the sharks, the last vision I had was a dark red shading my eyes. The moon kept shining, the wind kept blowing. The blood filtered through the ocean, mixing with the minerals and sea salt. And the last thought I managed to have, "The water sure did look friendly tonight for boating..."

"One hour, One day, One week, I seek a solution
Letting the problems clutter and build up on you.
This isn't a school yard crush
Not another high school tease
Pounding at my skull and bones
Lay down and admit defeat."

"The bile in my stomach is leaking through out my body
My lungs are deflating, my chest is in fucking pieces.
I'm still struggling to see those beautiful eyes
I'm trying to hold back from finally cracking
Under the pressure of what's right and wrong
Whether karma exists and if this really is all my fault.
I've been setting myself up for a disastrous time
all for that pleasant smile I promised you."

"Lay me on traintracks
it is inevitable
shredding my body."

Poetry, 2 AM, tough night.

Bar ramblings

I was at the bar last night, while everyone was drinking and such I decided to write on a napkin. This is what I rambled about.

"The smell of stale beer and Cajun fries fill the air, while I sit around and write across a bar napkin. My friends converse freely and wild topics dance off their tongues. I stare blankly at the table, the shadows darken with every move of my pen. Music shoots out the jukebox speakers, new genre after genre. The diversity of the bar is relevant when walking to our "regular" booth. Dirty looks with each casual sip, or so I like to believe. It could just be the slight paranoia I've tend to come in cope with. Well, however you see it, I take it with a grain of salt. Salt that only irritates the small cuts and scrapes, wounds self inflicted because of foolish dirty looks."

I want to get my license, buy a car, and drive off a bridge.
Nose dive through the sky, waiting for impact.

"The smoke in this bar coats my worn out throat
I've been screaming so long with no repercussions
My eyes are to heavy and the lighting will play tricks on us
What once was my tender heart, is now iron and steel
I've come to a wall blocking my path and obstructing the view
I won't go around, and stare, I'll beat at the concrete till it falls
Bloody fists, broken bones, this wall must fall..."


"Ghosts in the graveyard,
drinking tea with the others,
but they can't see me."

Two poems I wrote today. Drinking tea, contemplating pulling out my bicycle and riding to Stroudsburg. What else is there to do today? I much rather just adventure.

Our machines are broke,
The rust plays across metals;
Soft water dances.

The young whales swim out
through the dark lonesome ocean;
they will kiss softly.

Wishing I could sleep.
Falling into a coma,
and awake in June.

Like fish caught in nets
we will never get away;
waiting to be gut.

Your eyes are blinded
with rage and some aggression-
my balled up hatred!

Ill willed humans!
I made this bed to lay in,
and the heat will rise.

I've been writing haiku's one and off today. I decided everyday or whenever I have the chance I will write a haiku and post it.

No one deserves...

"No one deserves to go through the pain of loss.
No one deserves a period of time of never seeing each other.
No one deserves to live so harshly alone in a house filled with relatives.
No one deserves a family that won't care.
No one deserves to be left in the dark.
No one deserves a lack of insight and doubt.
No one deserves to sit through years of not knowing how everything is.
No one deserves a 14 hour plane ride to only see death and dispair.
No one deserves to not say one last goodbye and "I love you".
No one deserves a damned thing like that.
No one deserves to...
No one deserves a..."

- Sean Jude Elsasser

Feel better.

Tea Leaf

"Tea Leaf"

"The tea kettle's whistling in an ambient harmony
My cup is empty on the counter awaiting the tea
To be fed from the spoat down into my ceramic mug
With a picture of snow falling that my Father gave me
I used to take it three teaspoons and a dash of milk
Now all I can do is drink it alone, bland and bitter
The sun plays in the steam creating fog on my lenses
Taking my sip, burning my tongue, never wanting to be the quitter

My miserable demeanor is dragging my friends along
And all I can do is write another depressing song
I can't decided whether I'm begging for the attention
None of my self inflicted problems are worth the mention..."

Sean Jude Elsasser

As of lately, I've been really down and out. I was hoping 2009 would bring in a much more positive prespective for me, but I feel like I've been only getting worse. I feel as if my negativity is really taken a toll on everyone. Not only is it killing me slowly, but I think it's really hurting my friendship with everyone I know. I'm not fun to be around, I sit alone, looking depressed, in a group of friends just trying to have a good time. My friends still invite me to hang out, but I show up and it's just awkward. I can't get into the flow of happiness, I can only crack a smile and crawl back into my emotionless hole I dug for myself. If I wasn't so afraid of loneliness I would just become a hermit and fight these demons on my own.

Small problems effect me now, the lightest of punches feel like a sledgehammer beating at my ribs. This depression is like acid eating away at my organs. I can't eat without wanting to puke, I can't smile without wanting to follow it up without laying down and forgetting it all. I used to have it in me to be the bigger man, I could walk miles and not pay any mind to people. Now every corner, every step there's someone there and I feel like it's Me against the World. I'm so fucking paranoid that everyone is talking bad on me, or that I'm the laughing stock in the town. I've been walking down Main Street looking into bars and wanting someone to say something to me, just so I could punch him with all I have and let him pound my face into the concrete. Am I just looking for a thrill? For something so new to me? I drink massive amounts of tea, coffee and energy drinks to just keep my eyes open. Why do I want to keep them open when all I see is the bad? I wish I could drop off into a coma for months, wake up to a new life.

Why am I every girls best friend? Why do I make the shitty decisions? I get what I deserve. Like I've mentioned last time, it's karma. Why did my Dad leave this existence broken hearted? Why didn't I do something to show him that I still was his son? Why can't I express my emotions in lyrics anymore? Am I so jaded that it's all mundane? Am I so alone with so many friends?

My friends are moving on with their lives. I'm here... complaining on the internet. You tell me something new, and I'll give you something old. Whether it's the charm for a girl who will give up on me, or it's my tiresome excuses of never moving on..

Never again.