As of lately, I've been really down and out. I was hoping 2009 would bring in a much more positive prespective for me, but I feel like I've been only getting worse. I feel as if my negativity is really taken a toll on everyone. Not only is it killing me slowly, but I think it's really hurting my friendship with everyone I know. I'm not fun to be around, I sit alone, looking depressed, in a group of friends just trying to have a good time. My friends still invite me to hang out, but I show up and it's just awkward. I can't get into the flow of happiness, I can only crack a smile and crawl back into my emotionless hole I dug for myself. If I wasn't so afraid of loneliness I would just become a hermit and fight these demons on my own.

Small problems effect me now, the lightest of punches feel like a sledgehammer beating at my ribs. This depression is like acid eating away at my organs. I can't eat without wanting to puke, I can't smile without wanting to follow it up without laying down and forgetting it all. I used to have it in me to be the bigger man, I could walk miles and not pay any mind to people. Now every corner, every step there's someone there and I feel like it's Me against the World. I'm so fucking paranoid that everyone is talking bad on me, or that I'm the laughing stock in the town. I've been walking down Main Street looking into bars and wanting someone to say something to me, just so I could punch him with all I have and let him pound my face into the concrete. Am I just looking for a thrill? For something so new to me? I drink massive amounts of tea, coffee and energy drinks to just keep my eyes open. Why do I want to keep them open when all I see is the bad? I wish I could drop off into a coma for months, wake up to a new life.

Why am I every girls best friend? Why do I make the shitty decisions? I get what I deserve. Like I've mentioned last time, it's karma. Why did my Dad leave this existence broken hearted? Why didn't I do something to show him that I still was his son? Why can't I express my emotions in lyrics anymore? Am I so jaded that it's all mundane? Am I so alone with so many friends?

My friends are moving on with their lives. I'm here... complaining on the internet. You tell me something new, and I'll give you something old. Whether it's the charm for a girl who will give up on me, or it's my tiresome excuses of never moving on..

Never again.